Longing

As many of you know, I was recently in California throwing a baby shower for my best friend. More on the shower in an upcoming post. Anyways, my trip was interesting, a hodge podge of emotions. It was, and always is for me, exciting to be going on a trip. The anticipation of getting to the airport, on the plane, and driving to my parents' house is always thrilling. But, my trip, overall was just a flurry of different feelings and emotions, which ultimately left me feeling a deep sense of longing.

Let me explain.

Just being "home" with my family and watching them with Toad meant the world to me. It was such a fulfilling feeling. Learning that my sister-in-law's father was in the hospital left me feeling concerned and sad. Knowing that the two minutes we got to see her (in her work parking lot) might be the only time we would get to spend together was disappointing. Learning that she and my "adopted aunt" were going to both be able to make it to my parents house to spend a few days filled me with happiness. Watching my brother change Toad's poopy pants left me in stitches. Seeing how he interacted with Toad melted my heart. Having a sister-in-law who just fits in with such ease and who also loves Toad so much was priceless.
Trying to run all the baby shower errands, cross off everything on the lists and adjust for the maddening weather change caused me to feel exhilarated, yet frantic, at times. Desperately desiring to create an atmosphere where Amy would feel as loved as I did when she threw my baby shower catapulted me into a state of feeling really emotional. Emotional because I know how intentional Amy is when she does things for other people. Emotional because I wanted everything to be perfect for her, yet frustrated because I couldn't control the weather conditions. Emotional because of the reason for the celebration in the first place.
For weeks, leading up to the shower, each time I thought about Amy and her sweet husband preparing to welcome their little one into the world, I got choked up. Typing this, I am in tears. Good tears, but emotional, nonetheless. I had to ask a friend of ours to pray at the shower because I just knew I wouldn't make it through the prayer. I knew I'd bawl my eyes out if I were to try to verbalize the joy that is mine, just knowing the joy that is theirs. I know that not every child is as blessed to have two committed, loving, Christ-seeking parents eagerly awaiting their arrival. I know that not every child is wanted and loved the way that this little guy already is... by not just his parents, but by countless family and friends who are anxious to meet him. I know that the love they have for him will continue to grow indescribably and infinitely. So, I was emotional.
Friends had come from Los Angeles, Long Beach, San Francisco, Pasadena, Indiana, and Kansas to be there to celebrate with Amy. However, many of these friends are also friends of mine. Friends with whom I have a history... a sense of being known. Friends with whom I don't have to explain my whole life story in order for them to know where I am coming from. Friends who were there while significant portions of my "life story" were developing. I so wanted to sit down and spend some quality time just catching up and reminiscing. I yearned to talk about anything and everything, noting how we've changed and how we haven't. Yet, there wasn't time for that. The time flew by and then everyone was back to wherever they came from, even if that was just across town.
I am grateful to have just seen those familiar faces. The faces of women with whom I have shared many joys and many trials. Somehow, though, seeing those faces and knowing the conversations that could have been left me longing for more time. I longed to go sip coffee and talk for hours about the most recent avenues our lives have taken. I regret not planning well enough to make that happen. And so I long for those women. And I long for what they represent in my life. I long to feel known the way I do with those amazing ladies. For now, I will continue to invest in the women in my life, here... seeking to share my heart with them. That way, they will become part of my "history", my "life story" as the current chapter and those still unwritten unfold. For now, I will cherish the women who truly know me, whether they be miles away or right down the street.